who what where when why

Gandalf mugged Santa in your brother's basement New Years Eve 1999 because these hands are small.

Thumbelina read from the eldrith grimoire in Bend, OR at Jill's 40th birthday because the lemonade stand just wasn't profitable this year.

Tim Allen sang karaoke until midnight in the dentist chair next Tuesday, noontime because, "Lordy, lordy, look who's forty!"

Collective Soul (the band) smashed bananas against the tree in naked grandma's bathtub at midnight in Sao Paulo to awaken Cthulu from his ancient slumber.

Krampus Winderson forgot the words at an abandoned shopping mall before Christ, after the dinosaurs because it was a snowy, white Christmas!

Mary Todd Lincoln & Oprah massaged the ivories on the cusp at the stroke of midnight nevermind why it's none of your business.

Baby Nik salted the cod under the coffee table on the even tide because he fucking wanted to and you can't say it was wrong!!

The catnip shrimp played Edward 40-Hands in the darkest corner of Eastern Gresham after getting dumped to finish a thesis concerning cats in Victorian Gothic novels written between 1805 & 1837.

A Trimet bus operator unlocked the poop achievement badge in the reclined dentist's chair during the pledge of allegiance because he was all out of spare change.

Bill Nye the science guy broke his tooth on a hard candy at the Spaghetti Factory the time is irrelevant to save their souls.

Santa's little helper disrupted the witch's tribunal on top of old smokey when the conquering host shall ride again because they really needed to go to the bathroom.

Old McDonald found kitty roca at the Alibi after the last Blockbuster Video finally shut down because, you break it, you buy it.

Mariah Carey stayed up late playing poker in Caturday Castle on George Michael's Last Christmas because of the wonderful things she does.

Zach (from Saved by the bell - the college years) sent a dump truck of cat poo to Trump tower in the walk-in cooler @ Plaid Pantry in between times the Terminator went back to the 90s to discover the true meaning of Christmas.

Landshark played a very deadly game straight into the crapper before you were even a twinkle in your daddy's eye because all the bridges were up.

Ya filthy animals got her period all over the place at the bottom of a well the time is now because Jesus is watching us all.

Captain Picard emergency pooped at Subway at the lonliest Trimet bus stop "after hours" because it was an Easter to remember.

My favorite crab slipped on a banana in the fireplace at first sunrise to create a legacy.

Mother Superior the 4th tracked dog shit into the house in the deepest depths of Mordor today because it's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Women fell off the roof at a fancy pants wine tasting event when Hillary won the election because a flower can wilt, yes indeed.

The salt cod played a nasty guitar solo in the underworld on Christmas Eve because they had a lifetime supply of Gatorade.

Paul Ryan's privates burned it to the ground in a Macy's outside of Salem at the end of time because she was sleep deprived and had a lot of tincture.

A sandwich artist grazed their finger along Santa's toe at Grandma's house on the hottest day of the year because that's how God made his special children.

One Orc's toe bought a hamster in the pit of hell, or Beaverton, whatever November, 2016 because Landshark asked: "Well, human. Do you want life or death?"

Sullen Sullivander refused to comply under a wet tarp in Gifford Pinchot National Forest in an era of spiciness cause Sully looked at them funny.

Jimmy Dean's sausage scratched that big pig right behind the left ear off the griddle the summer of '96 because the heat was on and the love was strong.

Catfish Charlie flipped their wig on top of old smokey in the salad days of the mining industry because if you see a meth lab you should get your gun out apparently.

The silent majority wore nothing but a g-string right into the danger zone when Pickle went down for a nap because I want to Zydeco tonight. I want to make you feel right.

Landshark! I miss that cat going for gold at slappy cakes at the end of Father Time's life because the proof is in the puddin.

Mazrog exploded from not expending toots backstage at a weird Al concert before the towers fell because Chik-Filet is closed on Sundays.

Garbage Rat peed a little bit on his third buttcheek soon cause can't you feel it?

A disheveled wig upchucked all the s'mores in Portland's hottest new terrarium shoppe just after the dairy really hit his digestive tract because Ol' Smokey's on the trail.